The Child Abuse Incident...

Anyone who truly knows me understands this without explanation: my children are my life. Today that devotion extends to my grandchildren. Without them, only God knows where I might be.
 
After Matthew drowned in 1989, my attachment to my remaining sons intensified in ways I cannot fully describe. Grief does not simply pass; it embeds. It sharpens instinct. It amplifies fear. My remaining sons, Ricky and Brad, became the center of my vigilance. I watched everything — for their safety, for their happiness, for their future. I had already buried one son. I would not fail the others. Not physically. Not emotionally.
 
Kum-Sun’s love also intensified, though it manifested differently. Rooted deeply in her Korean culture, she equated love with preparation, discipline, and achievement. In her mind, mediocrity was neglect. Love meant ensuring our boys would be unmatched – intellectually, artistically, competitively. Excellence was protection.
 
Ricky and Brad, then ages seven and five, were already immersed in piano and violin under her instruction. Kum-Sun envisioned Juilliard. She envisioned international stages. While other children played outside after school, our sons practiced — a minimum of three hours a day. No friends. No casual play. After music came dinner. After dinner came academics with me — not because I wanted to exhaust them further, but because it was mandated.
 
As fatigue set in, mistakes followed. Wrong keys. Missed fingering. Slipping intonation. Burnout. Voices rose. At times discipline crossed lines — emotionally, verbally, and physically. There was always a breaking point.
 
I would sit and watch.
 
If I intervened, I became the target and faced the wrath. If I remained silent, I felt complicit.
 
The crying wore on me. The tension in the house was suffocating. I would consider walking away just to stop hearing it – but I couldn’t. I had to stay present because I feared what might happen if I didn’t. Inside, I was splintering. I was grieving Matthew, still submerged in a depression I had never fully addressed, and now I was watching my surviving sons endure something I believed was damaging them.
 
I understood Kum-Sun believed she was acting out of love. But there had to be a better way.
 
Eventually, I reached my own breaking point. Losing one son had already torn my world apart. I could not bear the thought of losing the other two emotionally, psychologically – or worse. In one of my darkest private thoughts, I even wondered whether Matthew had somehow escaped the turmoil that filled our home. The thought horrified me — but that is what grief does. It distorts perspective.
 
In late January 1991, I sought counseling on my own at the Family Service Center on Sigsbee Island at Naval Air Station Key West. I needed guidance — not ammunition, not retaliation — just someone to tell me how to stop what was happening in my home without detonating my marriage.
 
I laid everything out to the counselor: the emotional pressure, the verbal escalation, the physical intensity I believed crossed lines. I acknowledged that Kum-Sun believed she was acting out of love, and I wasn’t there to destroy her. I was there to protect my sons. I hoped intervention might bring structured counseling, accountability, some corrective path forward.
 
Instead, she stopped me. I was told something I had not anticipated.
 
“Based on what you’ve described,” she said, “this is now out of my hands. I am required to report this to Family Advocacy and to Florida Health and Rehabilitative Services.”
 
I paused only briefly. I did not resist.
 
“Do whatever needs to be done to stop it.”
 
In February 1991, investigators from the Florida HRS Protective Investigations Unit began visiting our home. Ricky and Brad were interviewed at Gerald Adams Elementary School. The Navy Key West Family Advocacy Representative, Olan G. Brooks, entered documentation into both boys’ medical records. Investigations were unfolding from multiple directions.
 
I accepted the scrutiny. If oversight was required to bring balance back into our home, then so be it.
 
On 14 March 1991, Florida HRS concluded its investigation. The allegations were classified as UNFOUNDED under Chapter 415, Florida Statutes. Written notification was sent to Kum-Sun as the alleged defendant and to me as the complainant. Family Advocacy was informed, as well. Although the case would remain administratively open for a year, no abuse was substantiated. Follow-up counseling was recommended and initiated with off-base counselor Louis O’Connor.
 
I believed the matter had been clarified and the worst of it was behind us.
 
Meanwhile, professionally, something encouraging had occurred. My Flight Commander, 1Lt Kathy Gagne, had nominated me for NCO of the Quarter. After everything I had endured personally, that nomination meant more than she likely realized. After years of strong performance and in the midst of personal turmoil, it represented affirmation. It was validation. I wanted to make her proud. I thought the world of her. We even shared a running appreciation for Phantom of the Opera, a small but meaningful connection.
 
I prepared seriously. I consulted 1Lt Nancy Stepanovich, who was slated to serve as Board Leader, regarding which sections of the Promotion Fitness Examination Study Guide would be emphasized. She identified them. I focused exclusively on those areas.
 
On 9 April 1991, I appeared before the board — and quickly realized the questions did not reflect what I had been directed to prepare. I faltered. I knew I had performed poorly. Any hope of selection evaporated.
 
Later that afternoon, as I reported for swing shift at the Watchcase Facility, First Sergeant MSgt Stahl stopped me.
 
“Has Capt Beltran spoken to you yet?”
 
Capt Beltran was our Section Commander.
 
“No,” I answered.
 
Others repeated the same question as I approached the Surveillance & Warning Center. For a fleeting moment I wondered if perhaps, improbably, I had been selected after all.
 
When I entered the operations floor, I saw Capt Beltran, Capt Fontanez, 1Lt Gagne, and 2Lt Terrell Bradley — who was being groomed to replace 1Lt Gagne as Flight Commander — gathered in discussion near the Flight Commander desk. The mood was serious.
 
Noticing me now in proximity, they moved further away.
 
From a distance I caught only fragments.
 
“Letter of Reprimand.”
 
“…if this doesn’t settle it…”
 
Shortly thereafter, I was summoned to the Director of Operations office. Seated inside were:
 

Capt Fontanez, Director of Operations (DO)

Capt Beltran, Section Commander (CCQ)

CMSgt Kent, Operations Superintendent

1Lt Kathy Gagne, Flight Commander

2Lt Terrell Bradley, incoming Flight Commander

 
Capt Beltran slid a document across the table.
 
A Letter of Reprimand.
 
I read it. My confusion hardened into disbelief.
 
“What is this about?”
 
Silence.
 
Then another document slid toward me — a letter authored by Olan G. Brooks, Family Advocacy Representative, alleging child abuse and naming me as the perpetrator.
 
I read it twice.
 
Family Advocacy had transposed the names. The complainant and the alleged abuser had been reversed.
 
“What the hell is this shit?” I asked.
 
“Watch your language, Sergeant Sgrignoli,” I was told.
 
“No. What is this?”
 
“You think I’m abusing my kids? Is that what this is?”
 
I explained the entire sequence — the counseling appointment, the mandatory report, the investigation, the UNFOUNDED determination, the now apparent clerical error.
 
What struck me most was not simply the administrative error. It was this: no one had asked for my explanation before drafting a formal Letter of Reprimand. No one had called me in for clarification. The HRS finding of UNFOUNDED had already been issued. Yet my leadership had proceeded as though the allegation aligned with my character. I later learned that LtCol Ladewig, my Unit Commander, had initially believed it, as well.
 
I refused to sign the Letter of Reprimand. I stated plainly that I would contest it.
 
No one in that room acknowledged the error. No one apologized.
 
On 29 April 1991, after weeks of writing and tweaking my words and regaining composure, I sent my final draft directly to Olan G. Brooks, challenging the transposition of names and informing him of the adverse impact of his letter resulting in me being punitively punished by my unit leadership. Simultaneously, both Kum-Sun and I submitted FOIA requests to obtain every document connected to the allegation.
 
On 1 June, Mr. Brooks responded in writing, acknowledging the administrative error and indicating that Command would be informed.
 
Separately, LtCol Ladewig later called me into his office. He had not been present during the DO meeting. In our private conversation, he stated:
 
“I didn’t think it was in your character, Sgrig. I’m sorry.”
 
Whether he was speaking truth or simply seeking closure, that acknowledgment mattered nonetheless. It did not erase the damage, but it mattered.
 
What lingered was something more subtle – and far more corrosive.
 
This was 2Lt Bradley’s introduction to me — challenging authority, refusing to sign paperwork, raising my voice in defense of my integrity. In that moment, a perception began forming: “Difficult.” “Hard to manage.” “Confrontational.”
 
The irony was that I was fighting for my children at home and for my character at work — both simultaneously — while still carrying unprocessed grief from losing Matthew.
 
What followed in subsequent months — “The Time Has Come…” Incident and, later, the Pepper Spray Incident — did not occur in isolation. They were interpreted through an already formed lens. A pattern had begun to take shape in leadership’s perception of me. Each event layered upon the last.

 
And I continue to ask:
 
How different might those outcomes have been if, at the beginning, someone had simply said,
 
“Sergeant Sgrignoli, before we take action, tell us your side.”
 
Is it really that difficult?
 
Because when leaders stop asking questions, they begin writing narratives.
 
And once written, those narratives are very hard to erase.
 
 

The Pepper Spray Incident...

HALF AN OUNCE OF ASSUMPTION…
 
Like most people, I have misplaced my keys more times than I care to admit. Mine had a particular talent for slipping between couch cushions and, on especially ambitious occasions, disappearing into the mechanical depths of the sofa frame – a region from which recovery required tools and a small measure of faith.
 
I eventually adopted a preventative strategy: attach something slightly bulky to the key ring. Increase surface area; prevent disappearance. Simple physics.
 
Brilliant.
 
Years later, while assigned to the Air Force on a Navy base in Key West, I found myself traveling to Patrick Air Force Base after Homestead closed in the wake of Hurricane Andrew in August 1992. These were long trips – six hours each way – and we often carpooled to conserve both fuel and sanity.
 
During one of our periodic trips and wandering through the Base Exchange, I noticed small black pouches containing half-ounce canisters of pepper spray.
 
Compact. Practical. Just large enough to defeat upholstery.
 
I bought two.
 
For weeks, it performed admirably. No lost keys. No controversy. No national security implications.
 
Until one morning at the Watchcase Facility (6947^th Electronic Security Squadron) on Truman Annex.
 
As I presented my badge at the entrance, the security guard paused and studied my key ring with sudden intensity.
 
“What is that?”
 
“What’s what?”
 
“That black pouch.”
 
“Pepper spray.”
 
And with that, the matter escalated far beyond couch cushions.
 
I was informed that pepper spray was entirely prohibited on a military installation. This struck me as curious, given that it was sold openly in drug stores and at military Exchanges. Nevertheless, the pouch was confiscated for the day and later transferred to the 6947^th Security Police office, where I was again reminded that it was “illegal” and should be discarded.
 
The certainty of the declaration exceeded my confidence in its accuracy.
 
After my shift, I drove to Boca Chica to speak directly with the Navy Chief of Security. I presented the canister and explained what had occurred.
 
He looked at it briefly and said, almost immediately, “This is a misinterpretation.“
 
He then produced what appeared to be a pepper spray canister roughly the size of a fire extinguisher.
 
“These,” he clarified, “riot control canisters are restricted to law enforcement. The small half-ounce key-ring canisters are perfectly permissible.”
 
The Republic, it seemed, was safe.
 
Knowing communication between offices might take time, especially given the current time of day, I faced a temporary logistical problem: how to preserve my anti-cushion strategy in the interim.
 
Fortunately, I wore glasses. And I possessed a small lens-cleaning spray bottle nearly identical in size to the pepper spray canister.
 
The solution required no theatrics. I removed the pepper spray from the pouch and replaced it with lens cleaner. Its mission remained unchanged: keep the keys visible.
 
No deception. No protest. Simple geometry.
 
The next morning, the guard again noticed and inquired about the pouch. I informed him it was lens cleaner and demonstrated as much on my glasses. I also mentioned the policy clarification from Boca Chica. I was admitted without further issue.
 
Later that shift, while my keys rested atop my Surveillance & Warning Supervisor desk, Sgt Devine from Security Police approached.
 
He glanced downward and stiffened.
 
Then, glaring at me, “Sergeant Sgrignoli, what is that?”
 
“My keys.”
 
The conversation intensified quickly.
 
I was reminded – at volume – that pepper spray had been declared illegal the previous day. I was instructed to get a replacement and follow him “NOW!!!”
 
The urgency suggested the matter was of pressing operational significance.
 
It was only after we had moved into the corridor and enduring a hallway lecture that I was finally able to demonstrate that the offending object dispensed nothing more dangerous than optical clarity.
 
“It’s lens cleaner.”
 
[squirt squirt]
 
Instant calm.
 
“Oh. Why didn’t you say so?”
 
A fair question. An excellent question, in fact – though one I had attempted to answer earlier.
 
I learned that the situation had reignited when another airman, whose pepper spray had also been confiscated the previous day, noticed my key ring and understandably wondered why law enforcement appeared selective. Her concern set events in motion.
 
What followed was less about pepper spray and more about a recurring pattern: conclusions first, questions later – if at all.
 
I returned to my desk assuming the matter concluded.
 
It was not.
 
Before shift’s end, I was called to speak with First Sergeant Hodge, accompanied by my Flight Commander. 
 
The First Sergeant suggested I must have anticipated the confusion in how the pouch would be perceived. That perhaps I enjoyed provoking reactions.
 
I explained, as calmly as possible, that I cannot control assumptions – only my actions. The pouch contained lens cleaner. The policy had been clarified. No deception had been intended.
 
In the end, nothing formal resulted from this episode. No paperwork. No reprimand. Life moved on.
 
But it likely contributed to leadership’s perception of my demeanor and intent.
 
This episode stayed with me – not because of the pepper spray, or the lens cleaner, or raised voices in a hallway – but because it illustrated something far larger and more enduring:
 
Policies are not always read correctly.
 
Authority is not omniscience.
 
Confidence does not guarantee correctness.
 
And assumptions, when combined with rank, can travel very quickly.
 
Throughout my career, I observed that decisiveness was often valued over curiosity. Yet curiosity – the simple act of asking and waiting for an answer – would have prevented every escalation in this episode.
 
All that was required was a question, followed by listening.
 
Assumptions can manufacture violations out of lens cleaner. They can escalate hallway conversations into administrative meetings. And they can do so without ever asking a simple clarifying question.
 
Instead, half an ounce of misunderstanding managed to occupy multiple layers of leadership for two full days.
 
I was reminded that sometimes the most powerful weapon in a security squadron is assumption – small, portable, and surprisingly volatile.
 
My keys, however, never again disappeared into the couch cushions.
 
 

The Story of Matthew...

Born 1 July 1988.

 

In April 1989, he was only nine months old.

 

During those nine months, he grew from a newly-born infant to a young boy with a personality that brought joy to everyone who interacted with him. He especially brought joy to me. I remember his smile. I remember his laugh. I remember his look and touch of love as he reached for my face.

 

Fast forward to today…

 

As I write this chapter of the memoir, it is a difficult day for me… as you will soon understand.

 

It’s been almost 40 years. My sons are all grown and having children of their own.

 

As my grandchildren come into this world and reach the nine-month mark, I do not just see my grandkids.

 

I see Matthew.

 

The same age.

The same stage.

The same size.

The same smiles.

The same laughter.

The same determined crawl.

The same unstable but determined stance when pulling themselves up.

The same wide-eyed curiosity.

The same complete dependence.

The same vulnerability.

 

And I feel something that is both gratitude and ache – at the same time.

 

I long for my Matthew to return.

 

One of my priorities is to ensure that my grandkids’ environment is baby-proofed. Checking every latch. Every gate. Every stair. Every edge.

 

Because I know what can happen in minutes.

 

In seconds.

 

Bear with me.

 

THE STORY OF MATTHEW

Many people are well familiar with four of my sons – Ricky, Brad, Rob, and Will – and their accomplishments. I talk about them often. I beam about them often. Sometimes I have to restrain myself from issuing what feels like an official press release when something good happens in their lives. They can be found on Google.

 

But few are familiar with our third son.

 

Matthew.

 

He would be thirty-eight years old this year (2026) if still living.

 

He was born on 1 July 1988 in Key West – and I almost missed his birth.

 

We arrived at 9:50 a.m. with Kum-Sun already deep into sudden labor – not early labor – but serious, “this is happening NOW” labor.

 

They wheeled her toward delivery.

 

I tried to follow.

 

“You can’t go with her. You NEED to fill out these papers.”

“B-b-b-b-but…”

“No. You NEED to fill these out.”

 

Up until that point, Ricky and Brad had been born in Japan at a military hospital. There were no complicated pre-registration requirements. Things were handled differently.

This was our first stateside birth -- and Florida Keys Memorial Hospital had rules. Paperwork. Administrative process.

 

“B-b-b-b-but…”

 

They won the debate.

 

While my wife was being rushed upstairs in active labor, I stood at a counter filling out forms.

 

At 10:20 a.m., her cervical dilation was complete.

 

At 10:40 a.m., Matthew was born.

 

And somehow, by the grace of God or pure timing, I made it into the room in time.

 

“Thank you, Matthew,” I whispered later. “Thank you for waiting for Dad.”

 

I was an extremely proud father.

 

He was beautiful. Solid. Alive. Another son.

 

Three Sgrignoli heirs down – two to go.

 

My goal had always been five children, just like the five in my own childhood home – Dawn, myself, Tonia, Joe, Stacy. Five felt right. Five felt complete.

 

Over the next months, I watched Matthew discover the world.

 

I watched him lift his head.

Crawl.

Try to stand.

I watched him pull himself up next to the glass coffee table.

 

He would pound his little hands against the glass – smack, smack, smack – then turn around to look at me as if to say, “Did you see that?!” When I smiled, he would laugh – a full-bodied baby laugh – then pound again, as if he had just invented percussion.

 

He would pull at my then-full head of hair with those determined little fists.

 

And when I held him close and said “뽀뽀” – bbo-bbo – meaning “kiss” in Korean, he would lean in and kiss my cheek.

 

Those small moments are eternal.

 

You don’t know they’re eternal when they’re happening.

 

But they are.

 

Life was good.

 

It was simple.

It was loud.

It was chaotic.

It was beautiful.

 

20 APRIL 1989

Thursday.

 

The Florida Keys in April are warm but not oppressive. Sun on the water. A normal day.

 

I was working day shift at the Watchcase Facility (6947^thElectronic Security Squadron) on Truman Annex, the western tip of Key West. I often rode my ten-speed bicycle from Poinciana Housing to work. It was routine. Predictable. Ordinary.

 

Shortly after noon, I received a call in the Surveillance & Warning (S&W) Center.

 

Security Police.

 

“There’s been an accident at your house which requires your presence.”

 

I don’t remember if he elaborated. I don’t remember tone. I don’t remember wording beyond “accident” and “requires your presence.”

 

But I knew.

 

Something in his voice told me it wasn’t minor.

 

I told him I didn’t have my car – I rode my bike.

 

“I’ll be there quickly.”

 

I arranged for a backup S&W Supervisor as fast as humanly possible. My mind was already home.

 

As I pedaled hard toward the United Street Gate and toward Poinciana, the world felt strangely slowed.

 

Shortly after exiting the gate and heading down United Street, a Security Police vehicle intercepted me. They knew. I had the look. They recognized me immediately – likely the “father-in-distress.”

 

He didn’t waste words.

 

He put me in the car. He put my bike in the trunk.

 

He drove me – not home.

 

But to the hospital.

 

And in that moment, I knew this was not a scraped knee.

 

At home, Kum-Sun had been sewing.

 

She was – and still is – an outstanding seamstress. She sewed garments and handbags for Fabrics of Key West, a well-known manufacturer of Key West-style clothing and accessories. She worked from home so she could be present for the boys.

 

She was a proud mother.

 

Our sons were her life.

 

Ricky (5) and Brad (almost 3) had just finished a bath upstairs and gotten out to dry off.

 

Matthew, almost ten months old, had been downstairs crawling around, exploring — as usual.

 

Somewhere in that small window of time – unnoticed – Matthew crawled up the stairway.

 

Upstairs.

 

Into the bathroom.

 

He pulled himself up against the bathtub.

 

And apparently, he pulled himself over the edge into the water.

 

The rest need not be elaborated upon.

 

You understand.

 

A short while later – the number of minutes unclear – Kum-Sun began looking for Matthew so she could also give him his bath.

 

He was nowhere to be found.

 

Upstairs, Ricky and Brad went back toward the bathroom.

 

Children remember flashes. Fragments.

 

What they saw next is something no child should ever see.

 

Matthew.

 

He was found in the bathwater.

 

Still.

 

Unconscious.

 

And everything changed.

 

I have the police reports.

The investigations.

The medical reports.

The autopsy reports.

 

I have read them.

 

I will not detail them here.

 

It is difficult enough typing these words.

 

Trying to decipher handwritten investigative and clinical terminology – and relive every minute – is something I cannot fully do on paper.

 

But what happened next will never leave me.

 

The scream.

 

The panic.

 

The impossible realization.

 

Kum-Sun has never described that exact moment to me in detail – and I have never forced her to.

 

But I know this:

 

A mother knows.

 

And, in that instant, her world collapsed.

 

THE HOSPITAL

I arrived at DePoo Hospital before the ambulance did.

 

I don’t remember how I got from the police car to inside the building. I don’t remember walking through the doors. I only remember that everything felt surreal – like I was present but not fully inside my own body.

 

I knew it was serious.

 

But I did not yet understand how serious.

 

Kum-Sun and Matthew arrived shortly after.

 

The room filled quickly – medical personnel moving with urgency, controlled voices, equipment, monitors, oxygen, motion.

 

I am not what most people would call a ‘religious’ person in the outward sense. I believe. But my relationship with God is personal. I do not believe in needing a ‘middleman’ to speak on my behalf, especially when so many ‘middlemen’ seemed to be in it for themselves, and not God. I don’t believe in putting on a public display to prove belief. From my perspective, if God is who we say He is, then He already knows what is in my heart. He hears. He sees. He knows.

 

If others want to judge that, so be it.

 

But that day – I prayed.

 

No eloquent prayers. No theological prayers.

 

Just raw pleading.

 

I prayed with dignity.  Without constraint.  As a desperate father.

 

I wanted a sign. Feel something. A nudge. A whispered reassurance. Something.

 

I felt nothing.

 

My Flight Commander, First Lieutenant Paul Doucette, came to the hospital, stood beside me and took my hands. He tried his best to comfort me. He spoke words of encouragement. Words of hope. His presence meant more than he probably realized.

 

But the room did not feel hopeful.

 

Eventually, the surgeons at DePoo concluded that they could not do enough for Matthew at that facility. He would need to be transported to Miami Children’s Hospital.

 

We were informed we were not allowed to ride in the ambulance.

 

Other transportation had to be arranged.

 

Miami was roughly four hours away by car – up US-1, the Florida Keys Overseas Highway – a road that, despite its name, is mostly a two-lane stretch suspended between water and sky.

 

Somehow – and I still don’t know who initiated it – arrangements were made for the Navy base at Key West Naval Air Station to provide a dedicated helicopter for Kum-Sun and me.

 

To whoever made that decision, I am forever grateful.

 

We were escorted from the hospital by Navy Security to Boca Chica. The helicopter blades were already turning when we arrived. The sound was deafening. The wind from the rotors whipped everything around us.

 

I remember climbing aboard.

 

I remember the vibration.

 

I remember staring at nothing.

 

I remember staring out the window at the water below and thinking, This cannot be happening.

 

But it was.

 

We flew to Homestead Air Force Base, where we were met with a vehicle to use and a chaplain to assist us. From there, we were rushed to Miami Children’s Hospital in Coral Gables.

 

My sister, Dawn, flew in from Pennsylvania to be with us in the days that followed. Her presence was sanity. Stability. A quiet strength we desperately needed.

 

THE WAITING

The days that followed were a blur of hope and setback.

 

Hope.

Then setback.

 

Hope.

Then setback.

 

I had no emotional framework for this.

 

Miami Children’s Hospital placed us in an apartment-style temporary quarters nearby.

 

When we were not at Matthew’s bedside, I would retreat to the bedroom closet.

 

I would close the door.

 

And I would cry in a way I had never cried before.

 

Morning.

Afternoon.

Night.

 

There is something about a closet – enclosed, dark, insulated – that feels appropriate for grief. No audience. No expectations. Just raw collapse.

 

We met periodically with the Bereavement Counselor. She began preparing us for the worst-case scenario.

 

I resisted.

 

Hard.

 

I searched for unrealistic options. Alternative possibilities. Exceptions to the rule.

 

I must have been a true challenge to her and to Dawn with my unacceptance of reality.

Meanwhile, Kum Sun continued to sit by Matthew’s bedside.

 

She touched him.

 

She spoke to him.

 

She sang to him.

 

But the medical reality was eventually coming clear.

 

Matthew showed no signs of brain activity.

 

Under Florida law, if there is no brain activity, and subsequent testing twenty-four hours later confirms none, the patient is considered brain-dead – ethically, morally, clinically, legally.

 

There would be no choice. Life support must be withdrawn.

 

There was no appeal.

 

No override.

 

No parental veto.

 

On the afternoon of April 24, four days after the accident, we were told the final follow-up testing would occur the next day.

 

April 25.

 

Our wedding anniversary.

 

That night, I had to make a decision.

 

I drove four hours back to Key West alone.

 

I needed to pick up Ricky and Brad.

Pack clothing.

Prepare for what would likely be Matthew’s funeral in Pennsylvania.

 

The drive down the Overseas Highway at night is long, dark, and quiet. Water on both sides. Little traffic. Endless bridges.

 

I cried almost the entire way.

 

How I kept the car on the road, I do not know.

 

I reached Key West.

Gathered the boys.

Packed what we needed.

And drove back to Coral Gables.

 

Another four hours.

 

Grief does not exhaust itself. It renews with every mile. I was unsure how to communicate everything to Ricky and Brad in these moments.

 

25 APRIL 1989

The follow-up tests confirmed what we already knew.

 

No change.

 

We were told what would happen next.

 

We were given a few hours.

 

Ricky and Brad came to see Matthew and say goodbye.

 

Matthew was baptized.

 

Ricky and Brad were baptized as well.

 

I do not know if it was theology or instinct, but it felt necessary. As if we were anchoring something eternal in the middle of something devastating.

 

Then I was asked:

 

“Do you want to hold him when life support is disconnected?”

 

Of course I did.

 

Yes.

 

Without hesitation.

 

They placed Matthew in my arms. His favorite stuffed dog rested beside him.

 

He felt smaller than I remembered.

 

Or maybe it was the weight of the moment.

 

I wanted him to know – beyond doubt – even if he could not consciously know – that he was my son.

 

That he was not alone.

 

That his father was there.

 

I sat in that chair, holding my son.

 

At 4:10 p.m. on Tuesday, April 25^th, 1989, Matthew was pronounced dead.

 

Ten months old.

Ten months of pounding on glass tables.

Ten months of pulling my hair.

Ten months of “뽀뽀.”

Ten months of smiles and kisses and laughter.

 

Gone.

 

And my life split into Before and After.

 

There are no words that can adequately describe that moment.

 

Writers like to think we can capture emotion.

 

We cannot capture that.

 

But, in a way, only those who have lived it truly understand the physical tearing that happens inside your chest.

 

I recorded my thoughts in the days and weeks that followed onto cassette tapes. Those tapes were eventually lost.

 

Somehow, I wish I still had those exact words – raw, immediate, unfiltered.

 

But perhaps it is just as well. Some things are not meant to be replayed.

 

SUICIDE

On 1 July 1989 – what would have been Matthew’s first birthday – I went to Smather’s Beach.

 

I intended to walk into the water and drown.

 

As Matthew drowned.

 

I walked out as far as I could, past the sandbar.

 

The water rose.

 

I wanted to die.

 

But I did not want to FEEL death.

 

Drowning takes time.

 

There is a point of no return.

 

Would I regret it once the process began?

Would I try to fight it?

Would I panic?

 

That thought terrified me.

 

I wanted it instantaneous.

Certain.

Final.

 

I turned back.

 

It was not bravery.

 

It was fear.

 

Feeling like a failure again – the first instance being not protecting Matthew.

 

Eventually, I walked back to shore.

 

LEGACY OF LIFE

Kum-Sun and I decided Matthew would be an organ donor.

 

There was no sense in taking hope away from others.

 

Some of his organs and tissues were transplanted successfully – heart valves, aorta, liver, right kidney, right ureter, spleen, pancreas, corneas.

 

Somewhere other children benefited.

 

I occasionally reread the acknowledgement letters.

 

Matthew is still walking this earth.

 

In other children – now grown.

 

I do not know their names.

 

But he is still here.

 

CPR STATEMENT

There is one detail that still disturbs me deeply.

 

During investigative interviews, it was revealed that a neighbor who KNEW CPR declined to perform it for fear of being sued.

 

Because she was certified in the State of Florida, she feared malpractice liability.

 

If she had not been certified, she could have performed CPR with no fear.

 

I do not know if it would have changed the outcome. But to not even TRY?

 

I will never fully understand that.

 

I hope laws and mentalities have changed since then.

 

Fear of a lawsuit should never outweigh a child’s life.

 

THE FUNERAL

Matthew’s funeral was held at Myers Funeral Home in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.

 

During the service, Kum-Sun did something I still struggle to comprehend in terms of strength.

 

She asked to play the organ.

 

She played and sang ‘Jesus Loves Me’ – the same song she had sung to Matthew from the day he was born.

 

Her faith did not rage.

 

It endured.

 

Mine wrestled.

 

She is stronger than I.

 

THE QUESTION

For years afterward, I struggled with one simple question:

 

“How many children do you have?”

 

Four?

 

Or five?

 

If I say four, I feel like I am erasing Matthew.

 

If I say five, I must explain.

 

And explaining means reliving.

 

But the answer is five.

 

Matthew is my third son.

 

The answer is five.

 

MY CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR AT WORK

One detail I learned much later added a layer of quiet frustration to an already painful chapter of my life. Following Matthew’s death, I was eligible for an immediate Hardship Transfer — a reassignment that would have allowed our family to leave Key West, the very place where our son had died. I did not know that option existed at the time.

 

For seven years, I remained stationed there.

 

When I eventually learned that such a transfer could have been requested, I struggled with that knowledge. Not because I was looking to assign blame, but because staying in the same place where every street, every building, and every routine carried memory made healing extraordinarily difficult. I often wonder whether a change of environment might have helped us breathe differently… think differently… grieve differently.

 

As I have said, my life divided into Before and After on April 25, 1989. From 1986 to 1989, my assignment in Key West had been marked by professional success and forward momentum. After Matthew’s death, from 1989 to 1994, my time at the 6947th Electronic Security Squadron became far more complicated.

 

I will not pretend otherwise: I was not an easy person during those years. I carried anger. I carried confusion. I carried unprocessed grief. Some of the challenges that followed were, unquestionably, of my own making. I could have handled situations better. I could have responded differently.

 

But what I truly needed in those years was help — not correction. I needed space to grieve. I needed understanding. I needed mental health support to ease a father’s shattered heart.

 

Instead, much of what I received felt like efforts to “bring me back in line.”

 

In hindsight, I do not believe anyone intended harm. Leadership sees mission readiness; they see discipline; they see order. I understand that now more than I did then. But grief does not respond to policy. Trauma does not submit to rank. And a father mourning his son is not a disciplinary issue to be managed.

 

I was a broken man trying to survive.

 

THE CRUCIBLE

I would not survive reliving it.

 

But over time it changed me.

 

It deepened me.

 

It humbled me.

 

It made every success of my other sons sharper.

It made every grandchild sacred.

It made every latch matter.

It made every ordinary day extraordinary.

 

Today, when I see my grandchildren, I see Matthew.

 

I see what was.

I see what could have been.

I see what might have been.

I imagine the man he would have become.

 

The accomplishments.

 

The joy.

 

Again, I am immensely proud of my sons – all of them. Their discipline, diligence, achievements, and choices of life partners reflect both their mother and the lessons life has given us.

 

But Matthew is not a footnote.

 

He is not a tragedy to be quietly filed away.

 

He is my son.

 

And if there is one thing I have learned, it is this:

 

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Cherish your children.

 

Cherish your grandchildren.

 

Tell them.

 

Preserve the memories.

 

Matthew, my son – I love you.

 

Watch over us.

 

– Dad

ADDENDUM

Matthew is currently buried in Pennsylvania, in a family cemetery plot.

But he will not remain there.

Arrangements have already been made to ensure that, in time, we will all rest together at Arlington National Cemetery. Approval has been granted, and a case number has been assigned. The process is in place.  When the moment comes – whether now or later – Matthew can be moved to Arlington so that our family will share one gravesite.

It will be one grave.

My name will be on the front. Kum-Sun's and Matthew's will be inscribed as well, together – united in the same place.

There is comfort in knowing that this has been settled. No uncertainty. No confusion. Our wishes are documented and assured.

I am grateful to Arlington National Cemetery for the clarity and dignity with which they handle such matters.

In the end, we will be together.

Together again, my son

– Dad